AUTHOR: My Something TITLE: Tales from The Ladies Room STATUS: Draft ALLOW COMMENTS: 1 CONVERT BREAKS: 1 ALLOW PINGS: 0 PRIMARY CATEGORY: DATE: 9/03/2003 08:38:00 PM ----- BODY: About 3 years ago, I read this study about why woman take longer in the bathroom than men. No, it's not because we check our hair and clothes. Or because we have to sit whereas men can just stand. It's because we are trying to be polite. Yep, the reason women on average take longer than men in public restrooms is because we are trying to be discreet and not have anyone hear us if we have to fart or take a massive shit. Women will sit there and wait until someone flushes or leaves to make any kind of bowel noise. That's for the majority of women. Me being in the minority. If I have to go, I have to go. It's just a fact of life. It's not like I'm obscene but damnit, I'm not sitting in the loo all day trying to be prim and proper. And that leads me to what happened today. I ate a lot of cereal this weekend and it has apparently made me more regular. So for like the fifth time today, I had to use the bathroom. (Dare I use the phrase #2?) I tried for my usual middle stall but blast it all, someone was in there. So I entered the last stall, the handicap stall; not my favorite. And I went, nothing fancy. Then I go to retrieve a few squares for clean up and I've got nothing. Not even half a square. I scramble for the reserve roll; it's gone too. Dear lord, what a pickle! So I think to call out to the person in the middle to hand me some TP but it's kinda far since the handicap stall is really wide. And then I realize she's one of those polite types whose trying her hardest not poot in the presence of another. Why me?!?! I quickly assess through her multiple low-volume sphincteric puttering and unusually frequent flushing, that this chick is going to wait it out. And to disturb such a person during her private "shame" would not be good. First, I decide to wait for someone else to come in. 3 minutes later I realize I can't sit in here any longer. Next, I look for alternative wiping aids. I try to unroll the cardboard from the empty roll but soon decide it to be too time consuming and potentially dangerous. I don't need a cardboard cut back there. I have nothing in my pockets save my card holder. I contemplate using my MetroCard which could be both practical and socio-political commentary. But I realize I couldn't use it afterward knowing where it had been and I couldn't send it back to MTA for a refund with it potentially smelling like crap. I am left with no choice. I buttoned up, flushed and then shuffled to another stall where I wiped, did a panty check and buttoned back up. I quickly washed my hands and left. I did not want to meet the other go-er face to face. For fear that her shame would become mine. ----- EXTENDED BODY: ----- EXCERPT: ----- --------